Friday, March 11, 2005

Aliens amongst us...

After that hefty last double-post, it took me a while to catch my breath back. Thanks to all of you who have been patient enough to read my thoughts, and those who did not read my post can go climb a tree... No, seriously, it was more of a soliloquy than anything else. Whatever.

If you have been a fan of the Twilight Zone and the Sci-Fi channel, and you have avidly followed the plethora of A- and B-grade Alien/Science Fiction movies that Hollywood churns out, you know this already. There are aliens among us. Yes, it is true. I have it from a most authoritative source, an informative travelogue called the Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. If you have not read that yet, remedy that ASAP - enlighten yourselves.

As I was saying, there are aliens amongst us. They are here, on earth, in droves, walking and talking, playing major league, chivvying foxes, climbing up magical ropes, presidenting countries, and doing all that shit that puny earthlings generally do. I am fine with that. Hey, if they chose to travel all that great galactic distances in order to mingle with the ever-swelling mass of humanity (and perhaps do a little bit of anal-probing, too, in the side...), they are welcome.

But what gets my goat is that all of the above mentioned gospels, except perhaps the excellent HHGG, portray the aliens as super-human beings, having great intelligence and knowledge or physical strength or technological wizardry or sexual prowess, with immense power to do good or harm to humankind. I mean, come on, if they chose to live on earth, they cannot be that bright, right? Friends, Romans and Countrypeople (being PC), I submit to you: aliens are stupid, aliens are effing dumb, aliens are intellectually closer to idaho potatoes than anything else.

What's more, I have evidence. Allow me to expand a little on this, and judge for yourselves.

I encounter all kinds of aliens at my work place (I guess this follows from the Equal Opportunity mandate of the United Nations) and elsewhere. There are life-forms engaged in all kinds of activities, generally demonstrating acceptable behaviour except when it comes to flushing the loo-bin after they have released excess moisture from their body. These life-forms are interestingly blind to one color of the spectrum, yellow, and its shades, and are also deficient in their sense of smell. Therefore, they do not find any difference between the clear water that normally fills the bin and the yellowish aromatic micturate they leave behind with impunity, much to the distaste of the more sensitive.

There are aliens who, presumably, run on cells that generate energy from the combustion of alcohol based fuels (much like our beloved Bender B. Rodriguez from the New New York City, ca.3000), and therefore, need to replenish their alcohol content by clandestinely visiting the brooms closet in the middle of the day, and then return to the daily duties reeking of cohol. A subclass of these aliens, slightly better and more complex models, run on a 168 earth-hour time cycle, requiring replenishment in a ritualistic manner once at the end of the each cycle at a particular time point they refer to as 'Free-day' or 'Friday'.

There are some fascinating hydrocarbon based life-forms who demonstrate a rudimentary symbiotic relationship with some energy beings capable of conducting electricity through neural networks. However, the major hydrocarbons of the former being of a non-conducting nature, the flow of charge in the latter is often hindered resulting in slow inputs, and delayed outputs. Often, these life-forms are found associated with vocations that require handling of sources of electromagnetic radiations, such as computer networks, electrical engineering and so forth. Presumably, they try to passively imbibe the electromagnetic radiation to overcome their physiological blocks.

And then, there is a special class of aliens, eminently suitable for specialized tasks (remember the four-handed mail-sorting alien chappie in a Massachusetts post office in MIB2?). What makes them special is that these aliens have a special kind of inherent affinity for other aliens, and they are stranglely impaired in a region of their ganglionic mass corresponding to the humanoid Broca's area (the speech and vocalization center). They are often recognized by a marked inability to articulate certain word forms, such as names (and I don't mean word forms like Huaxapretzolotl or supercallifragilisticexpiallidocious...).

I will finish with some strange, but identical experiences that I had late this week. On more than four occasions, I have found big cars (mostly SUVs or minivans) solidly standing or double-parked, completely blocking one lane in a two lane road. In majority of these situations, even the hazard lights were not on; so I drove upto those vehicles and kept waiting for them to move forward or out, only to realize much to my annoyance that they were not going to, and I had to signal left and take a sharp turn out to the adjacent lane in order to pass. These incidents would have passed my mind. But when it happened last night, again, and I was going to give that idiot of a driver a piece of my mind, I suddenly noticed a third shining eye in the middle of his bally neck staring at me with a wicked gleam. Not wishing to be divested of any piece (or peace) of my mind, I rushed forward, pronto, before it could catch up with me. Scary!!

On that note, have a good weekend, y'all. So long, and thanks for all the fish.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

effing hilarious. My problem is that I keep running into those aliens who have no sense of spacial relations when it comes to public transportation. These other-worldly beings have deemed that it is much more comfortable to push and squeeze in next to you and everyone else rather than facilitating the act of breathing by helping make room by simply moving to the back of the god-damn bus!!!

Thu Mar 17, 10:05:00 AM EST  

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